Holiday Hero

Santa, sparkle, shimmer, shine, shudder sensory overload. Say that three times fast.

Right now, at this very moment there are more than enough holiday monstrosities and horrid decorations on full display out there.For the rest of the holiday season this page is not committed to any theme, image or flare until after the New Year. You’re welcome.

This one goes out to all my friends who hate the holidays.

A few months ago I was informed that I was laid off from my job of 5 years via email. This reaffirmed the importance of 3 things:

1. Don’t have any expectations of your boss and most other people.

2. As my beloved Carrie Fisher once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

3. I will survive and  I will succeed. But in between I must hustle.

Ah yes…. The hustle. Just so we all perfectly clear on a few things….

If you have the misguided notion that it’s possible to maintain some modicum of self respect, I can assure you there is not one iota of it whatsoever in the hustle. Zero. Dignity? Forget it. You have to let that go. It’s gone. It’s not endangered, it’s extinct. It does not exist. You’ll have a better chance of finding the ghosts of Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye riding a rainbow winged unicorn on the Good Ship Lolly Pop than having any respectability in the hustle.

The one positive thing about being desperate during this  magical time of year is that there is no shortage of holiday associate  jobs. Trust me, I have several. One of my current jobs is at an illustrious, quasi elitist douche bag clothing retailer where I handle all of the schlepping and shipping.

In the spirit of the season, each week  said retailer is recognizing employees who go above and beyond during this very special time of year and  anointing them the “Holiday Hero”.

Cleaning was now added to my holiday associate “responsibilities”. After vacuuming, swiffering, dusting and scrubbing the sugary syrupy Frappachino frozen Pompeii stains off of the floor in the whole store, I moved the operation to the hallway and ultimately the employee/public bathrooms. Womens and Mens mind you.

There have many times in my life where I have been uncertain. Not that this time. This is something I have absolutely no doubt about at all. These bathrooms have not been cleaned in months, if not ever. The sinks, toilets, floors and every other surface were encrusted in this ghastly sludge, slime, shit and only God knows what else. And it should stay that way.

Sing along…..

I will survive and  I will succeed. But in between I must hustle.

Latex gloves leave a disgusting film on my hands. It’s kind of like that thick saliva you get in your mouth before you throw up.  But no matter, I emerged from the bowels of the employee/public bathrooms, not defeated. Oh no. I was not at joyful. Definitely not triumphant. There was no jubilation. But there was this strange sense of accomplishment. I had gone where no one had gone before.

 Sir Edmund Hillary said he climbed Mount Everest “because it was there”.  I cleaned the employee/public bathrooms “because they were there”.

And it was because of  this valiant expedition, I was crowned the Holiday Hero. Your Holiday Hero.

And I hate the holidays.

Here are a few festive Holiday Hero musings:

If people put half the effort and energy they put into the holidays toward something good, we could solve world hunger.

Hey! Doesn’t Frank Sintra’s “Happy Holidays” make you want to run up on someones lawn and destroy a plastic light up lawn Nativity Scene with a baseball bat? Sinatra has to make it seem so happy. It’s like he’s skipping around with gifts in his arms and a martini in his hand. Fuck you, Frank.

This is not an original insight, though at times it is still hard to comprehend. Christmas is no longer a holiday. It is an industry designed to make people feel depressed, stressed and inadequate. The only cure for this malaise is to spend a shit ton of money on  the most horrendous, well, shit….

For example….

Fa la la la la la la……

The whole notion of the Norman Rockwell Love Actually holiday is really and truly the most offensive bullshit. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional

I can’t believe this is even part of our discourse…  Holiday sweaters are not just ugly, they are a crime against humanity.

The Santa Baby song is gross.

For the love of God, do not watch Love Actually.

If you are a sick and masochistic fuck watch a disturbing movie which happens to take place during the holidays like: Eyes Wide Shut, Eastern Promises, Smilla’s Sense of Snow, ect. 

Oh, pretty please with sugar on top stop wearing holiday themed jewelry. Especially the Santa, ornament or jingle bell tetnus shot earrings. I’m going to take a wild guess here…. I don’t know it for sure. But I’m thinking that if you are wearing the dangling Santa or ornament earrings, chances are you probably  have holiday themed decaled gel nails too…. Why the fuck am I even bothering?

This should only be allowed if there is a child or children who are passengers in said car…To the adults who choose to dress up their cars as reindeer. Specifically Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. (Yes. This is a choice.) Kindly remove the nose off of your car by January 7. This seldom happens. After being exposed to all of the sand, snow and sun it looks like the grill of your car has a giant malignant melonoma by mid-March.

 It’s really more about self preservation than anything else. When you are at the those family parties, you know, neck deep in the shit. When it gets to be too much to handle, when you’ve had enough…. Here is your salvation. Get up and go clean the hosts kitchen. Nobody is going to approach you or speak to you. It’s like you are invisible. This is why… Nobody else wants to do it. They would all rather flop around, drink all of the top shelf booze and behave like belligerent assholes. And that’s even at Norman Rockwell’s house. They’ll even be complimentary. Holiday Hero adulation like, “Look at little Susie. She’s cleaning the kitchen”.