Mother’s Day

Sunday is Mother’s Day.

Please do not assume that because I am of a certain age and I have a vagina, means that I am a mother. I am many things and being a mother is not one of them.

I don’t know about you….. Have you ever noticed that when you are out in public on Mother’s Day, and I mean anywhere in public:  a gas station, the grocery store, the gym, going outside for 5 minutes.  Someone and that someone is usually a man, will wish you a, “Happy Mother’s Day”.

Taking ownership of this mistake….I used to say, “Well, thank you but I am not a mother”. Now this has been met with a look. In a civil society one would kind of expect  this person to maybe slightly embarrassed or have the good manners to correct themselves, you know recognize the error of their ways. Nobody is asking for an apology, just a scintilla of humility would be greatly appreciated. Trust me, that’s too much to ask. Instead it’s more a look. It’s not quite horror, but more like disgust, coupled with sheer wonder that I have not cloistered myself in a convent and instead have the audacity to be  wandering around in public on this day meant for women who are a on a pedestal, who they think have done what women are supposed to do here on God’s green earth.

There are large swaths of the country that have the misguided belief  that a woman’s sole purpose for being alive is to be an incubator for a baby, to be fruitful and multiply. Here’s the thing, not every woman can have a baby and not every woman wants a baby. If I said that a loud in some places 60 years ago, and even some places now, I would be excommunicated and hauled off in a straight jacket all for the good of  decent society.

I am very comfortable in my decision to be childless. I am childless by choice. So that makes me a monster, right? A ghoul that eats babies…. It’s actually my love of children that has prevented me from wanting or having them.  I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and somehow manage to kill Ikea plants, so the last thing I should be caring for is a baby. I know I would be horrible mother and not having children is the best and most responsible decision I have ever made.

I have no resentment of women who choose to have children. I wish that they would not have resentment of me for choosing not to have children. Unfortunately the later has  happened and it’s not pretty. I should clarify here….it’s more resentment for their decision to have children and even for their children which is unfortunate and hideous. The comments have ranged from, “Well, I don’t have the luxury of doing that because I have kids”, to, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want one of these?” as they thrust their baby in my face. How do  I tell them that when I hold their baby I don’t feel a tick or a tock? And lastly, and this one’s my favorite,”Who is going to take care of your when you’re old?” Right, I am going to have a child so one day I can be a burden and know that someone is going to wipe my ass. And I’m selfish for being childless.

Throughout humankind we have crafted this image of motherhood, more like the myth of motherhood as this beautiful, transcendental experience for women. It’s all storks, organic cotton onesies Sophie the Giraffe, plush bunnies, shooting stars and a linen duvet cover with silk ribbons in Heirloom white. This vision or hallucination is compounded by celebrity motherhood. They make it look easy because they can afford the things to make it easier like nannies, personal trainers, personal assistants, cooks, housekeepers, etc, etc. They don’t have to take the baby out of the car seat six thousand times a day. They don’t have to take the baby out of the car seat at all since they can afford to hire someone to do all of their errands. They are not sleep deprived, they have someone to get up 11:00pm. 2:00am, 2:47am, 3:56am and on and on and on.

Because I don’t have children, I am safe. Folks with children (usually women) confess to me that motherhood is the last thing from glorious, it is an isolating hell. One friend recently told me she hates being a mother. Her 3 year old is always in her face and she doesn’t have 2 seconds to herself. She has moments where she wishes she never had a child. After feeling this way, she is consumed with guilt and depression. Another friend told me there is no dignity to motherhood and she longs for the days when she could urinate alone.

To be clear, I am not slamming mothers. Quite the opposite. I give them heaping tons of credit and compassion. So, before anyone decides to go and gleefully wish every random woman they encounter a, “Happy Mother’s Day”, it would be helpful if they take a moment to reflect:

1. Not everyone is a mother.
2. Not everyone wants to be a mother.
3. Not every woman who is a mother feels like celebrating because you think she should.